Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Back to Me

I have a habit of trying to fit the world into neat and organized boxes with labels and color codes. I've always been like that. I don't understand chaos. One of my greatest talents is taking chaos and making it fit into separate boxes so that it can be better managed. What I never realized is that by placing everything in boxes, nothing gets mixed.

I have often been told that I am grumpy, hard headed, impossible and even a few names that I'd rather not put here, because the worlds in my life don't mix. I don't share stories about my kids at work, I don't discuss business at the dinner table. It wasn't for a lack of trying I just really didn't know how. My life has always been black and white. You were good or you were bad. There was no grey.

I have tried over the years to blend more. I tried to make friends at work but found that many would call me friend as they stepped on me to get to where they were going. I tried to trust people, only to have that trust thrown back in my face as I was stabbed in the back. I tried working for friends or family only to find that they didn't respect my work. Each time I tried to dump the boxes and mix the contents I was hurt for my efforts. So I stopped trying. In fact I made even greater strides to keep my worlds distinctly apart.

This has lead to an interesting complication. People don't think I'm real. Because I don't talk about being a nanny for several years they don't understand why I am so good at working with children. Because I don't talk about homeschooling my older son or my younger son's struggles in school they don't understand why I know so much about the education system. They discount my advice because they don't know how I know.

When I started the blog with the intention of having it be a reflection of me. My views, my beliefs and my interests. But it didn't take long before I started looking at it as a "work" blog and it went into that box. At first it was easy. There were a ton things that I could write about. But then my attention was drawn to a different box and I struggled to post on a consistent basis.

So I am now trying another approach. Another attempt at just being me. I ask that my followers stick with me during this transition as I am trying to open up and dump out those boxes again. Hopefully this time, I won't get hurt.