Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Day 35 Trust Issues

I learned at a very young age never to trust anyone. The more people knew about you the more they would hurt you. Surface stuff was nothing. But real knowledge - hopes, fears, joys, and torments - those were things you never shared - ever.

Throughout my life I tried to share at times. Sometimes it was due to loneliness or a desire to be accepted. Other times I would know someone long enough to think that I could trust them with small piece of inner knowledge. Every time I did that person eventually used that information against me. So instead of sharing I learned to be social, but closed off.

My mother used to tell me I was being stuck up. But she wasn't the one getting punched on the playground or being lied to with false friendships. I learned to be alone. Find refuge in my books and my imagination. It got to the point that I used to skip Girl Scouts because I didn't want to spend the hour being teased and reminded how I didn't fit in.

I didn't even trust my boyfriends, not that I had many. They wouldn't physically hurt me, I knew this. But there was a chance that they would emotionally hurt me. And by the time I started dating there was nothing emotional about me left. I had sealed it away to keep others from finding it.

I still spend a lot of time closed off. I've learned how to be social. I've learned the right things to say so that I can carry on a conversation and make people feel like I'm sharing - but I still don't trust people. My fears are my own. I don't ask for help with my struggles because I don't want anyone to see the weakness. I'm not allowed to be weak. I have to be the example. I'm the oldest. I'm the responsible one. The one who has to take care of the others. It's my duty - or so I was told over and over.

If I had to say that I trust anyone, it would be Tim. He's been through some startling revelations with me. And he still holds me in the night when I wake him after a nightmare. I'm trying to learn to trust him. Maybe one day I will feel safe enough for me to let my guard down.

In the meantime I will smile and survive.