Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Day 35 Trust Issues
Throughout my life I tried to share at times. Sometimes it was due to loneliness or a desire to be accepted. Other times I would know someone long enough to think that I could trust them with small piece of inner knowledge. Every time I did that person eventually used that information against me. So instead of sharing I learned to be social, but closed off.
My mother used to tell me I was being stuck up. But she wasn't the one getting punched on the playground or being lied to with false friendships. I learned to be alone. Find refuge in my books and my imagination. It got to the point that I used to skip Girl Scouts because I didn't want to spend the hour being teased and reminded how I didn't fit in.
I didn't even trust my boyfriends, not that I had many. They wouldn't physically hurt me, I knew this. But there was a chance that they would emotionally hurt me. And by the time I started dating there was nothing emotional about me left. I had sealed it away to keep others from finding it.
I still spend a lot of time closed off. I've learned how to be social. I've learned the right things to say so that I can carry on a conversation and make people feel like I'm sharing - but I still don't trust people. My fears are my own. I don't ask for help with my struggles because I don't want anyone to see the weakness. I'm not allowed to be weak. I have to be the example. I'm the oldest. I'm the responsible one. The one who has to take care of the others. It's my duty - or so I was told over and over.
If I had to say that I trust anyone, it would be Tim. He's been through some startling revelations with me. And he still holds me in the night when I wake him after a nightmare. I'm trying to learn to trust him. Maybe one day I will feel safe enough for me to let my guard down.
In the meantime I will smile and survive.
Wife of a Native, Mum to the Spawn. I don't fit in a box, literally or figuratively. I don't have a label. I can't be cataloged. My life is a combination of all that defines me. Wife, Mum, Writer, Reviewer, Critic, Photographer, Business Owner and Crafter. Advocate for common sense and collector of names.
To find out more about my writing, photography, reviews or life in general, check out my blog at http://www.NancyCWalker.com